But Why?

I am at odds with society. I love my career of serving the public, people who are generally in pain, ranging in ages from premature babies of less than 2 pounds to ancient souls in their hundreds. My oldest patient was 104. I take diagnostic x-rays. I provide surgeons with a glimpse inside the body while they operate. I help speech therapists determine if liquid is going down the esophagus or the trachea while a patient is swallowing. I aid in lumbar punctures (spinal taps for the layman) for chemo treatments, and take x-rays on patients that will soon be pronounced dead from a violent trauma to the body. I truly love it. I love to teach the concepts to new students at my hospital, and support their growth as well as my own.

But I hate society. I hate politics and government - those ultimate indiscernible tangles of lies. I hate the way people act and treat their fellow man. The condescension, facades of perfection, aims for power and perversion. Society is deathly ill, and despite my meager efforts of helping one person at a time, I feel helpless and frustrated.

If I think too much about it, a senseless panic grows inside me. If I'm too long in the metropolitan giant of Phoenix, Arizona, I take on the sickness of others. I become grumpy. I treat others with impatience. I lose the peace and joy I usually keep sacred inside me.

I want to eventually get off the grid, to live a life of straightforward work, close to the earth and sky. Close to myself and loved ones. Part of my 800-mile journey through Arizona is to test myself and see if I really can live without the necessities that society tells me I need. The adventure is not only a test, though. I have been brewing inside about my past, which still lingers and haunts. I can let go of a past that lets go of me, but when it continues to torment and rear its ugly head, I have to find a way to distance myself until the sting is less potent.

My daughters. They are my world.

I need to care for myself...for them. They are too young to know and understand the depths of struggle a woman can experience, and I truly hope they never learn it. But I know different. This world is a harrowing one. They are both passionate and strong-willed like me, so they will suffer. But because I have learned how to care for my mind and heart, I will be there for them, to reassure them that just like their mother did, they can overcome any plight that comes their way.

Since nature lacks that knot of manipulation tied so tight by society, I hope that's where they go to find themselves once more, just like their mama.